Stephen Covey recounts an insightful story in his book: The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People.
One Sunday morning on a New York subway people were sitting quietly – some reading newspapers, some lost in thought, some resting with their eyes closed. It was a calm, peaceful scene. Then suddenly, a man and his children entered the subway car. The children were so loud and rambunctious that instantly the whole climate changed. The man sat down next to me and closed his eyes, apparently oblivious to the situation. The children were yelling back and forth, throwing things, even grabbing people’s papers. It was very disturbing. And yet, the man sitting next to me did nothing. It was difficult not to feel irritated. I could not believe that he could be so insensitive as to let his children run wild like that and do nothing about it, taking no responsibility at all. It was easy to see that everyone else on the subway felt irritated, too.
So finally, with what I felt was unusual patience and restraint, I turned to him and said, “Sir, your children are really disturbing a lot of people. I wonder if you couldn’t control them a little more?” The man lifted his gaze as if to see the situation for the first time and said softly, “Oh, you’re right. I guess I should do something about it. We just came from the hospital where their mother died about an hour ago. I don’t know what to think, and I guess they don’t know how to handle it either.” Can you imagine what I felt at that moment? Suddenly I saw things differently, and because I saw differently, I thought differently, I felt differently, I behaved differently. My irritation vanished. I didn’t have to worry about controlling my attitude or my behavior; my heart was filled with the man’s pain – feelings of sympathy and compassion flowed freely. “Your wife just died? Ohm I’m so sorry. Can you tell me more about it? What can I do to help?” Everything changed in an instant. (pages 30-31)
It is so easy and commonplace in our current modern-day society to make judgments about other people. This is especially true when it comes to political views, religious and economic differences as well as race and sexual orientation. Our nation has become so divided and people have lined up on one side or the other. Consequently, we have lost our ability to sit down with one another and discuss differences civilly and there is a growing erosion in our ability to accept people for who they are and as they are. St. Francis de Sales writes, “The business of finding fault is very easy; that of encouraging another is sometimes a bit more difficult.” How do we as a Catholic people emerge out of these circumstances and become more encouraging of the differences that make up the beauty of who we are as created in the image and likeness of God?
Allow me to articulate an answer with a core signature phrase of Pope Francis: culture of encounter. This is what he said at his Pentecost homily in 2013: “It is important to be ready for encounter. For me this word is very important. Encounter with others. Why? Because faith is an encounter with Jesus, and we must do what Jesus does: encounter others. We live in a culture of conflict, a culture of fragmentation, a culture in which I throw away what is of no use to me, a culture of waste….with our faith we must create a culture of encounter, a culture of friendship, a culture in which we find brothers and sisters, in which we can also speak with those who think differently, as well as those who hold other beliefs, who do not have the same faith.”
What does this look like? Since God meets us as we are and where we are—we need to meet people as they are and where they are. Jesus met the apostles, as they were—human, broken, fallible, afraid, and doubtful—and through their encounter with him—he transformed them.So too we must accept people for who they are—not what we want them to be. One of the best ways to truly encounter another person is to grow in empathy, and a wonderful way to do that is to ask this very engaging question: Please tell me more about that. This is what the woman on the subway did after she heard that the man lost his wife, and when she asked him to tell her more about his wife—a genuine encounter took place.
Fr. Ed Ogden, OSFS
Dean of Students, DeSales University
