A Lesson on Love
In the past few weeks, we have heard about the Annunciation School shooting in Minneapolis, MN; the school shooting in Evergreen, CO, which was hardly mentioned; the shooting of police officers in Pennsylvania; and the assassination of Charles Kirk in Utah. It seems like violence abounds. And yet, we follow St. Francis de Sales, who shared these core principles: “All through love, nothing through force,” and “There is a great difference between getting rid of a vice and acquiring its contrary virtue (Conference XVI, On Antipathies, p. 304).
What is the virtue that is contrary to force and violence?
Love.
I do not mean “Hallmark Love,” as I like to call it: feel-good, gooey love. I mean the love that Jesus practiced, that both comforted and challenged, but always had as its desire conversion of heart, and starts with our own conversion. We can “speak the truth in love,” as St. Catherine of Siena, OP, taught, without destroying another person. Yet that does not seem to be what is sought by most in our current environment.
When we speak, we seek to obliterate the other, even to the point of assassination. That is not the Christian nor the Salesian way. If it were, St. Francis de Sales would have obliterated his opponents during the time of the Protestant or Catholic Reformation; He did not. He wrote. He listened. He debated. But he did not seek to kill his opponents as many at that time did.
No, we need to love someone enough to speak the truth, as we understand it. At the same time, we need to make sure we listen carefully to what others are saying, to their full statements, before we try to respond and engage them. We need to come to a clarification, and then respectfully disagree.
In a letter to St. Jane de Chantal, St. Francis de Sales wrote: “Humility and charity are the mainstays, all the other ropes [virtues] are attached to them. To hold firmly on to these two is all that is needed.”
This advice certainly challenges me. I must be humble enough to listen and entertain the possibility that I might be wrong. I need charity, speaking the truth in love, not in destruction. Feelings will be strong and intense, but when we do not have humility and charity, the result is speaking that which cannot be taken back, acting violently, or even doing harm to another. Many of us are too quick to speak or too quick to jump to conclusions.
I worked with a Dominican Sister who has now gone to God, Sr. Kathy Brady, OP. She had three rules of thumb that I find most helpful, especially today. Ask yourself:
Is what I’m about to say true?
Is it helpful?
Is it mine to say?
If I can’t answer “Yes” to all three questions, I need to practice custody of the lips and keep my mouth shut. I believe these questions also apply to my listening:
Is what I’m hearing true?
Is it helpful?
Does the other person have the right to say it?
If I can’t answer “Yes” to all three questions, then I try to practice custody of the mind and do not react to what I’m hearing.
Our world is challenging right now. How can we meet the challenges? Live de Sales’ words: “All through love and nothing through force.” Listen and speak with love and practice custody of the lips and of the mind, whichever is most needed.
Fr. Paul Colloton, OSFS, D.Min.
Superior
DeSales Centre Oblate Residence, Childs, MD